I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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