Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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