Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I puked a lego.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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