if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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