I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
