I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
