Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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