Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
