There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
