I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
