her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Your penis caused this!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
