Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
