sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
