After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
