Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
