Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
