You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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