I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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