Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I stole a fireplace last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
