theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
