watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
