Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
