Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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