saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
