You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ketchup is God's man juice
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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