roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
