my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
