The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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