I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
