i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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