I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
