You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
