So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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