I cannot find my penis.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
