Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I will be naked everywhere
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
