god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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