I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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