When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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