He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
