i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
