My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
