i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
