tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
that's an acceptable place to lick
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
