Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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