i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
