So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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