he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
