hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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