whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
