I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
