Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
