Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
